Monday, February 3, 2014

I am in charge of how I feel and today I am choosing happiness.

When I did this mass re-org of my life, my biggest fears were that when I was finished, I would no longer have the relationships (i.e. boyfriend and close friends) I had worked so hard to find. As everything has progressed, I'm constantly finding reassurance that things will be okay.  I am surrounded by so many people who love and support me and I truly believe that if these relationships were meant to be, then everyone will still be there when I am done in five years.  Sure, some of my relationships may change, and some of us may grow slightly apart, but I have learned to accept it and have decided to cross those bridges when I come to them.  I am constantly reassured by my supportive boyfriend that everything is and will be okay, and I believe him.  I'm releasing some of those insecurities that have been taunting me in the back of my head.

As everything has been going at full force, I've actually realized what my biggest fear is: losing myself.  It's funny, I have made such a huge change in order to build a new and better life for myself, one that involves having a fulfilling career instead of one that just pays the bills.  Part of me didn't want to complain about how stressed out I was or how much I hate waiting tables, because I recognize that I made this decision for myself and to complain about it seemed petty and stupid.  But the fact of the matter is, I hate this part of it.  I hate working nights and weekends and have never appreciated the Monday-Friday, 8-5 salaried position I used to have more.  But deep down inside, I always knew I wasn't happy with that and this is something I am going to have to do until I am in a position that can afford not too.  But, since I have been so stressed and strapped for cash, every dollar counts and every bad tip affects me in a way I wouldn't want it to.  I was starting to hate who I was becoming and was crushed when my own boyfriend told me that he missed my smile.  I don't want to be miserable for five years, I would have to learn how to balance things better.

I was losing the person I have always been and was becoming one of those people who was always tired, always stressed, never happy.  I lost my smile because the stress of making ends meet and trying to juggle this crazy balancing act was running me down.  Time to revamp and sort out my priorities.

Working two jobs and going to school full time is asinine.  If I need to request a loan from the bank or sell my body on the street to do it (kidding), I'm going to stop thinking that this is a schedule I can handle.  Doubles and triples scheduled each day are horrific and I was pretty much the walking dead by the end of the week.  So, job #1 has been cut: my last day there is Friday.  I left on good terms, am welcome to stay, and have been told that if they have a need for it and I'm looking for work during the summer, that I should give them a call.

This small change, releasing three shifts from the week, did something wonderful for me.  This freed up time for many things!

  • Homework and studying.  If I'm going to quit my job and go back to school, it makes no sense to not have any time to dedicate to studying for the courses that are trying to kick my ass. If I'm going to fail these classes then this was all for nothing.  I need every A I can get and I need to stay focused on this priority.
  • Time for PT Observation! I now have enough time to do 4-6 hours per week, depending on how I'm feeling.  More than likely I'll cap it at 4.  I'm currently observing at an orthopedic clinic just behind my house.  They treat me more like an intern than a lurker, so I actually get to learn things! It's very exciting and I'm hoping one day I can use this to secure a PT Tech position in the field while I finish school.  I also need a ton of hours before I can even apply (at the end of the year), so this really needs to be a large priority.
  • Time to work out.  Since I ran PFC, my activity level has severely halted.  It's not for lack of motivation, it's for the sheer fact that I have been so swamped and so exhausted that there literally has not been time for a run or to go to the gym.  This is not okay to me.  Not only have I had no release for the tension in my neck and shoulders, but my psyche has been severely affected. I truly need this release and I deserve the time to get to have it.  Between work, school, studying, a giant sewing pile and the other million directions I'm being pulled in, this is currently my only release (besides a bottle of wine, ha!).
  • Time to cook food at home, and to eat an occasional meal with my boyfriend.  Having Monday and Wednesday evenings off means I get to work out both nights and then we get to make dinner together when we both get home.  We are making use of the small amounts of time we have together, and it makes a world of difference.  Getting home from work at 11pm and then up again at 6:30, isn't very conducive to many home-cooked meals.  This helps me prep for the next day as well as cook healthy balanced meals for myself.
  • Time for a little more sleep in the mornings at least 2 days a week. Don't think I even need to elaborate on how happy that makes me. 
As for running, this is going to stay a large priority in my life.  I'm working out more ways to integrate it into my week, but for now I'm a little limited.  Going to make the best of it in the way that I can.  Trying to get some dates on the calendar to stay focused and keep my mileage up.  Here's what I'm thinking for this year:
  • I am part of a 4 person team at the Arizona IMS Marathon on February 16th.  I am running the 7 mile stretch on my own and then joining the team (hopefully) for the 4 mile finish. This will be the longest I have ever run on my own, and while I am excited about it, I am happy about the mental challenge.
  • Trying to find a 10k and a 15k between now and the fall.
  • Fall: Would like to do a half marathon around November, race TBD.
  • Would really like to do the Arizona Half Marathon in March of 2015 (this will keep us active during the holidays but allow us to begin "training" again after the 1st of the year).
I found this and it perfectly summed up how I am feeling this evening.  
Life is good, I am healthy and in love and moving forward with my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment